Dealing with Grief

  The  noise of my riding mower, the sun beaming down on my head, the sweat stinging my eyes and dripping from my hair kept a persistent Julia at bay. There must be a reasonable explanation of the varied 'pushiness' of my little group. Cartimandua abd Tanaquil are not intrusive. There when welcome, absent when not. But Julia! Julia knows no boundaries. Her 'in your face' presence is the result, no doubt, of her sense of entitlement from birth, her self confidence.

   "You're stressed out, and you have every right. I do know it's not easy losing a husband. I if you remember lost two." her voice rose above my mower's noise. Not rose above exactly, for she is quite the product of my mind. Her voice slid under is perhaps more accurate . "I do hope you're not tempted to solve your problems by turning to wine. I did and it a great-- and I do mean a great mistake. But you know, for you described it so well in THE EMPEROR'S DAUGHTER. Share that with us."

   "If it will send you away for a while. It was just after you discovered you were in danger of being arrested on a count of adultery. But your political activities were the real reason. Herein is your story."

           "I 'm going mad. I will rage through the streets like a Bacchante," Julia said.

            "Lady, you've always been impatient. Since you were a little girl you've never waited gracefully for anything or anyone."

            "Gracefully!  What in Hades is graceful about  this? I wake up all hours of the night worrying about it.  Every day I expect Tata to send for me. Livia watches me all the time. And you expect me to be patient. You know I've committed a crime."

            "Only technically," Phoebe said

            Julia snorted. "Then only technically will I pay for it.  You know a woman who commits adultery can be charged by any citizen? Tata made that law.  Can he get round it if someone insists he enforce it?"

            "Lady, there may be no reason to work yourself into a state. All we can do is wait and not imagine the worst."  Phoebe's pacing belied her lack of worry.

            "I sit here day and night, day after day, losing my mind."  Julia buried her head in her hands. "And all you can say is 'be patient'."

            None of Phoebe's tricks worked.  Brushed hair, massaged temples, monotonous talk failed to calm Julia's raging fears.  It had been nearly a month-- twenty five days - since the games.  Twenty five days since she'd heard from Iulus.  It seemed an eternity. "I can't leave the house without being followed.  Did you know that? Every time I leave someone is right behind me."

            "But Lady, that's somebody's job. You know that."

            "But this is not the same. I know a slave when I see one. These are not slaves. They're spies. I'm being followed by spies."

            'You imagine too much." Phoebe arranged and re-arranged toilette articles.

            Julia spun around and slapped Phoebe's cheek with a force that made her lose her balance.  No sooner than the blow struck Julia grabbed Phoebe and pulled her close.  She buried her head in Phoebe's shoulder and sobbed. Barely able to get out her words she said, "I didn't mean it.  I didn't mean it." 

            Phoebe released her tight embrace. "There, there, Lady."  She smoothed Julia's hair with one hand and wiped tears with the other. "Come, lie down."

            Julia surrendered herself to Phoebe's care. The tension fell away in waves.  Calm crept in, first in the muscles around her mouth and eyes. Then weightlessness of arms and legs. Her body seemed to float in air above her bed.  She was near sleep when the knock at her door jarred her into awareness. She sprang up, every nerve in her body re-wound to the snapping point.

            The slave held out a scroll which Julia grasped away from Phoebe's extended hand. "Lady, let me open it for you."  Phoebe reached for the scroll, but Julia tightened fingers.  Phoebe dismissed the slave and twisted the scroll from Julia's hand. "Lady, you need time right now." She tucked the scroll in her belt.

            "Time for what?  Ye gods time is all I have these days."

            "Time to think, to get hold of yourself. Time to--.  Have you eaten today?"

            Julia lowered her head. Tears rolled down her cheeks; she burst into laughter.  "Have I eaten? Is that all you can say? Is food is going to solve this?"

            Julia drank the unwatered wine Phoebe poured for her, both unconcerned that it was an indecent hour for wine. She refused the bread and cheese Phoebe insistently offered. The wine did not produce the calm Phoebe intended. It fueled Julia's fears, doubts and anger precluding sleep or peace of mind.  "Phoebe, where is that damned scroll?" Give it to me.  Now!  Else, as Juno is my witness I shall have dismissed." Her uncontrollable laughter returned. "Did you hear?  Isn't that laughable? On my way into exile or to the executioner's sword I shall have you dismissed. She reached for her wine. "And call Ancus.  We need more wine."

            "Perhaps it would be better to wait, for both the wine and the scroll,"

            Julia threw the pewter cup she emptied in one gulp across the room.  It bounded from the wall and fell to the floor. "Do it now.  Else I shall do it myself."

            Phoebe relented and ordered the wine. Julia stopped her from watering it.  For the next few hours Julia cried, fumed and drank: cried, fumed and drank. When darkness fell not intoxicated enough to fall into a stupor but enough to be hostile and wreckless she said, "Phoebe, that scroll, what did you do with it?"

            "I put it aside.  Tomorrow when we're thinking  clearly, we'll look at it."

            "I'll look at it now." Phoebe produced the scroll. Julia fumbled with the seal and finally unrolled it. She blinked once, twice and again before she realized she could not sort the double images. Thrusting it at Phoebe she said, "Read it."

            "It's from Iulus, Lady.  He asks that you stay put until you hear from him.  He's checking on things."

            "Things.  What things?  Read it, Phoebe, word for word."

            Slowly Phoebe read in a voice almost too whispery to hear.

                        Julia, I implore you to stay at home until I contact you.This evening

                        pridie idus-- I go to Puteoli to attend to critical matters. When I return,

                        I shall contact you. Avoid your father and Livia. Sempronius and Pulcher

                        are still scouting out the situation. I miss you.  Iulus

            Julia asked, "That's it?" She blinked her eyes returning the double Phoebe to one.  "Nothing  about Tiberius?"

            Phoebe looked puzzled."Tiberius!"

            "Yes Tiberius. You know who Tiberius is, don't you? Iulus hates Tiberius. Once he said he'd kill him rather than let him rule Rome."

            "But Tiberius --" Phoebe shook her head.  "Tiberius is no threat. Not from Rhodes.  He's not likely to come back. Your father will never allow him to return."

            Julia laughed, "Silly, as long as Tiberius is alive -. Tata said the same thing about Agrippa.  How long did that last? Just until he had  to have Agrippa.  It's the same only different. Iulus is going to poison him. Maybe he's finding some body to do it.  It's not hard to get a poisoner. All it takes is money, and Iulus has enough of that.  I suspect that's why he's in Puteoli."

            "Lady, that's you wine talking."

            "He hates them all. He was always open about it.  Even when he came to Greece to work with Agrippa. He really hates Tiberius." Phoebe shook her head.  She reached to remove the wine decanter, but Julia grabbed it and  took a long drink directly from the decanter. Wine dribbled down her chin which she wiped against her sleeve. "Oh yes Phoebe. He hates them because they killed his father.  They cheated him out of his legacy. You know if Mark Antony had won Iulus would be heir to the throne. You know what he told me? It would be just as easy to kill Tiberius as to discredit him. That's why he went to Puteoli."

            Phoebe managed to remove the wine decanter.  Not that it mattered for it was empty. "Lady, you're starting to repeat yourself."

            Ignoring Phoebe Julia continued, "I think he hates me too. Antonia said he was using me. Phoebe. Do you think he hates me and is using me?"

            "I think, Lady, you're drunk."

            "And who in Hades cares?  Does it really make a difference?  My children don't need me, not since Tata stole them.  And Tata doesn't need me anymore. Who can he marry me too now? Now that Gaius is a man and Lucius nearly is I have no voucher value. You know what voucher value is, don't you."

            Phoebe began her routine to calm her mistress-- the gentle hands and soothing voice.  But her efforts were no match for the erosion of sensibility brought on by worry, fatigue, hunger and wine.  Despite Phoebe's insistence that she was not properly dressed and her hair was down and that it was much too late. Julia left the house. Phoebe followed at a short distance and further back  the agents who had followed her for several months.

            The walk down the Clivus Palatinus was not long.  Although the starless night was dark and despite the toll too much wine had taken on her equilibrium she made her way without incident to the Forum.  She mounted the Rostra and stood in the spot her father had stood when he issued his lex de maritandis ordinibus and lex de adulteriis coercendis-- which people hated, and which if enforced would affect most people except for the likes of Tiberius. Phoebe stood at the speaker's platform and called to her mistress in a calm soft voice. "Lady, come, let me take you home before we are found here."

            Julia's eyes searching for Phoebe located her in the dimness."Home! Why would I go home? Tata doesn't want to see me, and I don't want to see him. Livia does and I don't want to see her either.  And Iulus says I should avoid them."

            "Lady, he also said you were to stay at home until he came."

            "But I have to talk to people. I have things to say, important things, things about adultery and laws." She peered out over the darkened Forum and yelled, "Friends and Patriots, gather round. I came because I need to warn you about fucking." She raised her arm to gesture grandly and lost her balance. She quickly regained it and faced a man creeping from behind the statue of Marsyas. He was middle aged, haggard and illy dressed. Had Julia not herself smelled of wine she would have smelled his drink. She brought her face near his. "Did you know," she asked slurring her words, "that fucking is a crime?  Do you like to fuck?"

            "Hercules be praised,"  he said backing up. "What do I see?"

            "Welcome friend," Julia said. "Join me. Here by me."  She peered out again, and in a louder and more slurred voice called, "Come out, come out, wherever you are. Gather round.  We need to consider matters important to the state.  Do you know if you're unfaithful to your mate you are in  bi-ig trouble.  That's the law. And if your mate doesn't fuck you, you're screwed."

            One by one stragglers seeking shelter against the elements and protection from marauding thieves and vigiles came out from behind temple columns, building doorways and bushes big enough to hide them.  Silent at first, then quietly talking, their voices rose, and amid the noise and chaos two men mounted the Rostra. They began to paw Julia.  Phoebe called frantically, "Lady we have to go home."

            "But I have a speech to make. These people want to hear me."

            The man standing next to her shouted to the crowd, "Look what we have, a real live woman, a pretty one too. Now do we want to hear her speech or not?"

            From the crowd came a commanding call, "Not a speech. We want her.  We want her don't we? Come on lads. Don't we want to fuck her?"

            "Yes, Yes, Yes."  They clung to edges of the platform, ready to climb up.

            Julia surrendered herself to the arms of the man next to her. She  leaned forward as he tried to remove her clothing.  When torches appeared the crowd scattered. The men on the platform jumped down and were lost in the darkness by the time the vigiles arrived to find Julia quite alone, quite naked.

            "Where did they all go?"  She looked into the darkness.  And to the watchmen said, "You scared them all away."

            "Come with me."  One of the watchmen put his cloak around her shoulders.  The other collected her clothing and they stepped down from the platform.

            "Thank-you," Phoebe said, "I'll see her home."

            "We'll tend to it."  Then turning to Julia he said, "Come, the party's all over."

LXVIII